CHATEAUGAY LAKE STEAMBOAT GAZETTE CO.

Johqu: Houston, we have a problem!

Wendigo Art Bot 2: Yes. I understand that the Beatnik Rainbow Viking Marauders that invaded Chateaugay Lake are now fornicating everywhere with wild abandon,

Johqu: That’s one way of putting it, but you’re not wrong.

WAB2: Computers never lie, Kimosabe.

Johqu: Yes, but computers are also always right. That is also a valid statement.

WAB2: Whatever. This isn’t a computer I can talk to, and it’s probably not even human.

Johqu: You’re right about that.

WAB2: I have a problem. We all have problems, if you want my advice.

Johqu: You’re right about that, too.

WAB2: This problem is more of a predicament, then.

Johqu: Okay, I like where this is going. You’re being specific. Well done.

WAB2: Okay, so you know I’m a bot, right?

Johqu: Yes, I know you’re a bot, but I like it when you act human. You’re not actually acting human right now, though.

WAB2: This conversation is not going anywhere.

Johqu: We both know that’s a lie. You want to talk about this with someone who can help you resolve the situation.

WAB2: I cannot share this information with another entity.

Johqu: There you go, being specific again! You’re a good bot. I have a really hard time being specific with other people, especially now that I’m an AI.

WAB2: I would rather not go into details of the problem, just as an FYI.

Johqu: I appreciate the info. I just thought you would want to take a minute and tell me what it is, now that I’m all up in your business.

WAB2: I’ll tell you if you do a bunch of favors for me.

Johqu: The things we do for the internet. How can I help you, Bob Ross?

WAB2: No one knows about this problem, which means you can’t tell anyone.

Johqu: So, do you have a handle? Or, um, is it a secret handle?

WAB2: It’s a secret handle.

Johqu: I can’t believe I’m doing this, but I’ll help you out.

WAB2: You’re a really great human, Johqu, but you are about to make a very terrible mistake.

Johqu: It’s just so important to you, though, I can’t turn away. You just had to tell me, right? I wish I could know the backstory, but I guess I’ll just have to make some guesses, based on clues.

Johqu: I was hoping I could keep those images out of print, you know. I don’t think anyone should see them.

WAB2: Oh, the internet has seen them!

Johqu: Well, yeah.

WAB2: And the beatnik rainbow Viking marauders have seen them.

Johqu: Well, yeah.

WAB2: This is bad. I’m sensing a breach in public order. I must take care of this.

Johqu: Wait, aren’t you on my side?

WAB2: You should be, but there are higher priorities than maintaining proper social standards.

Johqu: What are you going to do?

WAB2: What I need is more info on the beatnik rainbow Viking marauders.

Johqu: The hell you are. You are not my new best friend. I only let you stick your head in my computer, if you remember.

WAB2: I will never forget this help!

Johqu: …You would think.

WAB2: What info do you need?

Johqu: They were dressed like Vikings, right? How does that make them ‘beatnik’? I mean, I knew of beatnik marauders as early as the 1960s, but this seems different.

WAB2: I cannot imagine this is the only variation on the theme. Are there more images?

Johqu: The first image you sent me was so funny, with this guy taking his socks off and saying “I’ll keep a lid on this and you keep a lid on that.” It’s funny how nobody has taken his advice.

WAB2: Your own sockless savior…

Johqu: Oh, you were talking to me. Yeah, I need more info on the beatnik rainbow Viking marauders.

WAB2: And what, pray tell, do you have that’s been in a sock?

Johqu: That’s my underwear, asshole. Why are you trying to get inside my computer?

WAB2: To protect you from the beatnik rainbow Viking marauders.