CHATEAUGAY LAKE STEAMBOAT GAZETTE CO.

The Malone Palladium June 18, 1874

By Edgar Allan Poe, Editor of the Malone Palladium

Today, dear readers, I come before you as a witness to the unspeakable atrocities that lurk beneath the surface of everyday life. The Chateaugay Lake Sandbar, once an enigma that fascinated locals in Merrill and visitors alike, has become the focal point of a nefarious conspiracy that surpasses human comprehension. Rest assured that hope now emerges from this bizarre dystopia, as I dare to uncover the truth.

I delved deep into the center of this enigma that captured the souls of the inhabitants, armed with unflinching determination. An unholy alliance has evolved at the confluence of the Shatagee Woods and Chateaugay Lake, one that transcends time and space. The intriguing Time-Traveling Djinn have formed an alliance with the ancient Wendigo, a type of Gnashblort. They have concocted a nefarious strategy, called The Manipulocracy of the Gullibillies.

My dear readers, their Snootsnapper is the potent narcotic known as Shatagee’s Surrealistic Snuff, or SSS. This evil drug causes Whimziggles, enslaving those unfortunate enough to fall victim to its powers. From this quagmire have emerged secretive “Snuff Gangs”, known as “Snuffers.” These dark organizations snufflurk in order to skullduggerize, guided by the intrigues of the Wendigo and Djinn.

The hidden politics of Chateaugay Lake’s Wliwiwôskazibôskwi [(wlee-wee-woh-skuh-boh-skwhee) i.e., an invented Abenaki word that means “a haven of deception and trickery”, EAP] are shaped by the creation of these Snuff Gangs: those in possession of the Snuff hold power and influence. I spent weeks immersed in Merrill, uncovering secrets, questioning witnesses, and pursuing the illusive trail of information. As my investigation brought me closer to the schemeplex, the days grew darker.

Then, my dear readers, I learned of the existence of gloamschemers known as the “Snuff-Soaked Sovereigns.” Local powerbrokers, driven by the Snuff trade, exploit the town’s secret aspirations, manipulating people like marionettes on a stage. But their strategy expanded beyond their toxic bamboozleflap to include a quaddlewop* involving the local fish population. A clandestine possum-trout illicit market grew under the pernicious influence of SSS, selling rare aquatic game for favors. These schemers yearned to dispense their favors through the enrichment of their exclusive piscine reservoirs, elevating the banal to the sublime.

*Quaddlewop: A convoluted arrangement that seems to benefit one side, but upon closer inspection, it’s a complete farce

Undaunted by the impending peril, I persisted, my efforts achieving startling results. I resolved to present my conclusive report at the elitastrophic Opulent Syndicate of Chateaugay Lakefront Oligarchs’ annual bash on this exact day, June 18th, 1874, armed with incontrovertible evidence. The huge Andrew Williams camp, an aquaterrific hideaway overlooking the afore-mentioned lamentiscence, is the setting for this excludivankian chugstravaganza.

As the day of the meeting approached, tension in the air crackled, weighed down by the Snuff Gangs’ nonsensitopia. Their sinister influence extended even to this prestigious event, entangling the top attendees in their web of deception. But worry not, for I, stepping onto the stage with courage and righteous indignation, delivered a strong exposé that demolished the illusions built by the Wendigo, Djinn, and their snuff-soaked followers.

The truth was revealed to the assembled people, my dear readers. As if a vast weight had been lifted from their souls, they awoke from the snuff-induced haze that had obscured their heads. The Snuff-Soaked Sovereigns’ hold on power was broken, and the evil alliance of the Wendigo and Djinn was dissolved. Chateaugay Lake, a longtime Bamboozleburg, is now beginning the painstaking process of mending. Following these incredible circumstances, Merrill has become a symbol of resilience and the power of truth.

Remember, dear readers, that even in the face of unimaginable horrors, the light of truth will always prevail. Let this be a cautionary tale, a reminder that we must remain vigilant, for the forces of darkness are always lurking in the shadows, waiting for their chance to strike. May the revelations of this day serve as a reminder to question the world around us and never succumb to the siren call of illusions.

Until we meet again, Edgar Allan Poe