The Chateaugay Record

Serving the Adirondack Community Since 1883

By Scoop McGillicuddy, Staff Writer
January 26, 1981

CHATEAUGAY, NY – In a unanimous decision that has set tongues wagging across town, the Chateaugay Central School Board has emphatically rejected the proposal put forth by visiting dignitary, Her Highness the Pagan Princess Suzi Sickster, to introduce a daily chaga regimen for students. The decision came after a contentious three-hour meeting that saw tempers flare and mushrooms fly – literally.

Princess Sickster, a guest of local enigma Hunsmire Polypoppi, had suggested that students consume a daily dose of chaga, a fungus she claims possesses “mystical properties of enlightenment and vigor.” The Princess, adorned in her signature shimmering robes and wielding a staff topped with a particularly large chaga specimen, argued passionately for the curriculum’s adoption.

“The children of Chateaugay deserve to expand their minds and strengthen their bodies with the sacred gift of chaga,” Princess Sickster proclaimed during the meeting. “It is the foundation of a truly enlightened education!”

However, board members and parents in attendance expressed deep reservations about introducing an unknown substance into the school’s curriculum. Concerns ranged from potential health risks to fears that the chaga might be, as one parent put it, “some sort of hippie dope.”

Board President Mildred Sternbottom voiced the majority opinion, stating, “While we appreciate Princess Sickster’s… enthusiasm, we cannot in good conscience approve a curriculum based around a substance we know nothing about. Our responsibility is to the safety and well-being of our students.”

The meeting took several chaotic turns, as evidenced by our newly acquired photographs. In one instance, Princess Sickster dramatically raised a massive chaga cluster above her head, eliciting gasps from the assembled board members. In another, she appeared to conduct an impromptu outdoor seminar, much to the bewilderment of local officials.

Community Reactions

The decision has been met with mixed reactions from the Chateaugay community. While many parents expressed relief, others wondered if the town might be missing out on an educational opportunity.

“I don’t know much about this chaga stuff,” said local farmer Jebediah Cornstalk, “but my prize pig Bessie got into some mushrooms last spring and started reciting Shakespeare. Maybe there’s something to it?”

Meanwhile, local mycologist Dr. Sporous Funguy lamented the missed opportunity for fungal education. “Chaga might not be magical, but it’s a fascinating organism with potential health benefits. This could have been a chance to teach kids about the kingdom Fungi.”

What’s Next?

As for Princess Sickster, sources close to the Polypoppi household report she is “disappointed but undeterred.” There are rumors of plans for an after-school “Chaga Club,” though it remains to be seen whether this will materialize.

The school board has stated that it remains open to “innovative curriculum ideas,” but emphasized that all proposals must undergo rigorous scientific scrutiny and align with state educational standards.

For now, it seems, the only mushrooms in Chateaugay Central School will remain in the cafeteria’s pizza toppings.

What is Chaga?

Chaga (Inonotus obliquus) is a fungus that typically grows on birch trees in cold climates. While it has been used in folk medicine in some cultures, its effects and potential benefits are not well-studied. The FDA has not approved chaga for any medical use. Always consult with a healthcare professional before using any new supplement.