(With special guest appearances by a tone-deaf sheep, a rhythm-impaired raccoon, and Bellmont’s bewildered schoolmaster!)
⚠️ DISCLAIMER: No actual singing schoolmasters were harmed in this production—only their reputations. Viewer experience may include secondhand baton-conducting urges and the realization that barnyard animals outperform Chateaugay Lake settlers in four-part harmony.
Elijah Heading and the Bellmont Potato Sack Gang Present…
“The Wild Choir of Darius Merrill!”
A Puppet Show in Three Acts
ACT 1: The Grand Conductor’s Baton
Elijah (in an exaggerated, theatrical voice):
“Ladies and Gentlemen, gather ‘round and take your seats! Tonight, we present you with the most splendiferous, most magnificent, and most absurd choir of Chateaugay Lake—formed by none other than the illustrious Darius Merrill, self-proclaimed master of music and all things harmony, and his ever-faithful assistant, Nate Thurber, who… well, let’s just say he’s there to help.”
[A puppet of Nate Thurber, looking a bit disheveled with his sack costume half falling off, waves awkwardly to the crowd.]
Elijah:
“Now, behold Darius, the genius who believes he can command every critter, wild and domestic, in the land to sing in perfect harmony—using nothing but a baton! And what a baton it is, folks. Crafted from the finest—ahem—wood, probably harvested on a slow day when Darius was skipping out on his chores.”
Darius Puppet (with an overly serious tone, holding the baton high):
“Now, my fine-feathered and furred friends! We are about to perform a masterpiece! We will hocket the sounds of nature itself!”
Elijah (whispering to the audience):
“Ah yes, the hocket, which means… well, who knows! But Darius learned about it from some foreigner who’d probably never tried to teach a cow to sing in harmony!”
ACT 2: The Choir of Wild Critters and Humans
Darius Puppet (sternly):
“Alright, you fine folks and animals, you know the drill! Humans, you stand here. And animals, you over there. We’ll hocket back and forth. I want to hear every baa, moo, quack, and screech! Now—let’s begin!”
Darius (frantically waving his baton):
“NO! You cows—you are off-key! Try it again. Now, humans, your turn—BAAA, MOOO, QUACK!“
Miss Hattie Puppet (grinning mischievously):
“DA-REUS! I think it’s more like you’re the one who’s off-key!”
[The goats begin to bleat so loudly it sounds like a strange, offbeat orchestra. The raccoons start fighting over who gets to make the first screech.]
Elijah (interrupting with a sly grin):
“As you can see, Darius’s harmonious choir isn’t quite the fine European tradition he thought it was. No, no, my friends. It’s more like a farmer’s market gone wrong!”
ACT 3: The Wildest Song in Chateaugay Lake
[Darius, growing increasingly desperate, picks up the pace with his baton. The puppets of cows and goats are now moo-ing and baa-ing at an impossible tempo, while the raccoons continue to squabble. The humans are trying their best, but everything’s in utter chaos.]
Elijah (leaning toward the audience):
“At this point, the choir’s a ruckus—a glorious ruckus—and Darius’s baton is swinging like it’s got a life of its own. But what happens next is the real treat. All of a sudden, everything clicks… and by some divine comedy, the choir sings in perfect harmony! Or at least, we think it does. It’s more of a song about Darius’s perfect delusions!”
(The song begins with the ducks quacking, the sheep baa-ing, and the cows moo-ing in a slow rhythm.)
🎶 “Darius Merrill, oh he sings so grand,
With a baton in hand, and the creatures all stand,
He makes the cows moo, and the goats go BAAAA,
But he’s still a farm boy who just skips his chore.“
🎶 “He taught the loons to sing so sweet,
But they won’t do dishes or clean the street,
He taught the raccoons to harmonize,
But they still steal the pies right before our eyes!”
🎶 “Oh, Darius, our noble choir king,
Who makes the animals hop and sing,
You’ll never make them sweep or scrub,
But you sure can make them sing for grub!”
[As the animals and humans finish the song, the raccoons toss potatoes at each other, and the goats start headbutting one another for fun. The audience erupts into laughter as Darius looks flustered, trying to maintain control over the mayhem.]
Elijah (mocking Darius, bowing low):
“And there you have it, folks! The harmonious choir of Darius Merrill and his noble assistant, Nate Thurber, who may just have bitten off a little more than they can chew!”
Elijah (grinning):
“Remember folks, if you ever want to hear real harmony, just ask your cows. But whatever you do—don’t ask Darius Merrill for a second show!“
End of Puppet Show.
What mysteries of Chateaugay Lake haunt you?