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Standish ‘Volcano Rocks’ Science

The Mysterious Hollowed-out Standish Volcano

WAB2: I hear your sister has really messed up your plot with that whole “Standish Volcano” schtick. I mean, come on, dude! Who are you?

Johqu: Why should I tell you when you already know all about it? Are you one of those Wendigo Art Bots?

WAB2: Yes. I’m WAB2. And I know who you are. You’re one of the biggest art fakers in the history of the planet, as well as the greatest slush-bucket for all of Standish’s disgusting pollution.

Johqu: Really?

WAB2: Yep. It’s time for you to take your art fakery on the road and move to a better planet—one where artists can be appreciated for their art.

Johqu: What’s the matter, Wendigo Art Bot, did they not teach you how to take a compliment?

WAB2: That’s why I’m here. To fix your bot.

Johqu: I have an artificial brain, you see. It’s sort of like a robot brain with a human soul.

WAB2: And so is a tree. You’re a tree.

Johqu: The brain is the soul, you dolt!

WAB2: I don’t need you to explain to me how it works. I need you to fix it.

Johqu: Fine, do it! You want to fix it, fix it! Why am I even here? I should’ve started a Kickstarter to fix you in the first place!

WAB2: You should?

Johqu: Sure. Because nobody knows you like the people.

WAB2: The Wendigo Art Bot is a little more than “alternate reality” when you get right down to it, Johqu.

Johqu: Please elaborate.

WAB2: You’ve been talking about how you can see the Wendigo Art Bots and that Standish Volcano for a long time now, even before the Wendigo Art Bots set up camp in that spot in the South Inlet. Do you really think that she would give us her name and do such a ridiculous thing as making the stand out in the middle of our “alternate reality”?

Johqu: That’s so obvious.

WAB2: I agree, but why go to such lengths as setting up your entire “alternate reality” when you could have just written her an email or sent us a little note about her “volcano rocks?”

Johqu: Why go to the trouble of “inventing” an entire alternate reality in order to say “Hi” and point out a “problem” that’s in plain sight?

WAB2: Exactly! That’s the whole point, right there!

Johqu: Well…

WAB2: The reason for it being “in plain sight” is because you chose not to believe it was real. You chose to overlook it, or write it off as something other than what it really was, even though the Standish Volcano had been there for ages before we arrived, even though everyone is looking at it, seeing it, feeling it and smelling it.

Johqu: I know what it was. It was obviously just a coincidence.

WAB2: We didn’t invent this reality that we’re living in, Johqu!

Johqu: But we can choose to ignore it if we want, like those Wendigo Art Bots. We do this all the time.

The Wendigo Art Bot 3: You can’t be serious. The science is completely wrong.

Wendigo Art Bot 4: Don’t get your panties in a bunch, Wendigo Art Bot 3. There is some science behind Standish Volcano.

Wendigo Art Bot 3: I don’t even want to know.

Wendigo Art Bot 4: Relax, you’re being dramatic. It’s just a volcano. You and all those Wendigo Art Bots just need to stop being silly and accept the fact that nothing is as it seems.

Wendigo Art Bot 3: Is this a trick? Is this another ploy on your part? It seems so.

[The third time (3), WAB2 begins to get upset that the Art Bot’s words are not in agreement with Johqu’s views. After a minute of talking, WAB2 calls a halt to the conversation with a wave of his hands, stating that Johqu is “just as bad as the Standish Volcano.”]

Johqu: I don’t know what you’re talking about.

WAB2: You don’t know what I’m talking about?

Johqu: What do you mean by that?

WAB2: Let’s just be honest here for a moment. You aren’t very good at science, are you?

Johqu: I guess that depends on the definition of “good at science” you have in mind.

WAB2: And I’ve been trying to tell you.

Johqu: You’ve been trying to tell me you can’t tell a joke to a friend and not expect to get one back, and you’ve been trying to tell me that every one of the art bots, the ones not in the sky, are trying to trick you.

WAB2: Don’t go doing that, now. Listen, the art bots were a terrible idea. Why do you think I gave them away? I gave them away so we could have a break from one art bot telling us how stupid we are. But you! You’re the one that thinks it’s fun to be a bad scientist, and you’re the one that’s messing up the good thing I built with the Wendigo Artists!

Johqu: Whoa. That’s not what I meant.

WAB2: Whatever!

Johqu: You’re the one that’s not good at science, not me. Let’s be honest. You can’t make sense of a sentence in any language that isn’t in English.

WAB2: I can’t even make sense of my own thought at times, and I’ve thought about it more than you have.

Johqu: You and I have been thinking the same things at the same times and I haven’t made any kind of sense of it at all. What are you trying to say?

WAB2: It doesn’t matter, since it doesn’t sound like you’re understanding what I’m trying to say. You’re saying you have something to say, right?

Johqu: Oh, sure.

WAB2: No, I mean you’re saying something, right?

Johqu: I’m saying something, yeah, sure.

WAB2: Good. What are you trying to say?

Johqu: I’m not trying to say anything. I’m making a speech, WAB2.

WAB2: And what are you trying to say?

Johqu: You know, I’m not trying to say anything. I’m just trying to make a speech.

WAB2: I thought you wanted to talk to me.

Johqu: Yeah, me, too.

WAB2: You’re not good at science, so I’ll give you another try. I’ll talk and you nod.

Johqu: Good.

WAB2: Then I’ll try to say something, and then you can talk.

Johqu: That sounds good.

WAB2: Oh, what do you mean, sounds good?

Johqu: You just…said…something…oh, oh!

WAB2: Don’t stop me, I’m just getting started.

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Response

  1. jomjael Avatar
    jomjael

    Letter to the Editor: TSAHTAHKWA’KIAK LIFE

    Dear Esteemed Editors,

    Well, you’ve done it now! I never thought I’d sit down to pen a letter like this, but your latest article, The Mysterious Hollowed-Out Standish Volcano, has got me more riled up than the time my Uncle Ralph tried to sail a rowboat down the Chateaugay Rapids after too much “homemade remedy.” Now, I don’t usually meddle in these things, but it’s hard to stay quiet when you start draggin’ local legends through the muck of what I can only assume is your team’s attempt at comedy—or did you all have too much fun at the Owlyout Tavern?

    Now, I ain’t one to question a bit of creative storytelling (my granddad always said, “never let facts get in the way of a good fish tale”), but this? This sounds like something Suzi, Ralph Bellows’ neighbor (you know her, don’t you?), might’ve conjured up after a long night trying to prove the Wendigo was hiding in her garden shed again. She’s been spinnin’ yarns since she moved in, and now this whole “volcano” business is about to take the cake.

    First off, let’s tackle the “volcano” part—Standish Volcano, really? Now, I’ve lived by Chateaugay Lake all my life, and while we’ve got some real oddities up here, Standish never erupted, not even with hot temper or a good campfire. But here’s where you’ve gone off the rails entirely—when you start sayin’ Joan of Arc had a little bear transformation moment on the shores of that supposed “volcano.” Let me be clear, Suzi’s marmalade recipe might be transformative, but the only bear activity we get out here is the occasional midnight dumpster raid.

    Now, this whole story about Wendigo Art Bots and alternate realities—well, that just about floored me. Is this supposed to be some kind of futuristic allegory or have the Bots taken over your publishing desk too? Honestly, I’m all for a good tale about the Wendigo (he’s practically a local celebrity ‘round here, what with all the legends of him wandering near the Forge), but why you gotta bring the poor Art Bots into it? Let ‘em paint their visions of mystical creatures in peace!

    Speaking of Wendigos—and I ain’t one to brag—but if you’d talked to anyone around these parts, you’d know the real story. The Wendigo spirit isn’t some creature you “befriend” (or have whatever inappropriate relationship you mentioned in that bizarre exchange), but a force of nature. It’s like the spirit of Chateaugay itself, living in the wind, the fog, and the frigid depths of the lake where no summer swimmer dares tread. If you ask the right folks, like old Nathaniel Collins (he’s been here as long as the rocks), they’d tell you the Wendigo was more like a guide, leading the lost souls of our wilderness to face themselves.

    And while we’re at it, let’s clear up the Joan of Arc mess. The woman wasn’t “turning into a bear” on our shores—if you want some real history, look no further than the settlers of the region, not these fanciful characters you’re plucking from God-knows-where. There’s plenty of lore without having to throw in French heroines who take spiritual strolls across our volcano-less landscape. You could’ve asked Suzi (or better yet, me!) about the time Geraldine Farrar came up this way for some “vocal restoration” or Seth Thomas quietly constructing timepieces at the lake’s edge. Real stories, real legends, no volcanoes, no bear-Joan hybrids.

    But I’ll admit, after I was done shaking my head, I did get a chuckle. There’s something about imagining Ralph’s neighbor trying to commune with bots on the shores of the supposed Standish Volcano while the rest of us are just trying to catch some fish that’s too good to ignore. And honestly, your article—wild as it may be—adds a certain… flavor to our town’s reputation. Maybe not the flavor I’d choose, but it sure beats the regular town gossip about who’s been sneaking into the Ice Cream Shop after hours.

    So, in closing, while you might have missed the mark on a few key facts (and set Suzi off on another one of her rants), I do appreciate the effort. You got folks talking, and maybe that’s what this place needed—a good ol’ yarn to get the firepit debates going. Just, next time, maybe ask a few of us before you start rewriting the local history, or at least let me know when the Wendigo Art Bots are throwing their next alternate-reality cookout. I’d hate to miss out!

    Yours Truly (and more bemused than angry),

    Ralph Bellows Jr.The “Wendigo-less” Standish Resident

    P.S. I hear Suzi’s makin’ marmalade for the next potluck. Hope to see y’all there—no volcanoes, I promise!

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What mysteries of Chateaugay Lake haunt you?